Childbirth

My mil has never failed to make light offerings at the temple when I underwent childbirths. She had been telling hubby to keep calm and not to worry but on the other hand asked me to recite some prayers as she always does.

Going thru an elective c sec was neverthless the most heart thumping one. Firstly, it was my first experience with this doctor besides the d&c he performed on me last year. Secondly, my first two was emergency c-sec so I was caught unprepared actually, having not much choice and time to think about it. This time, I was given a lot of time to think and wait for the big day to come. I was surely nervous. I told the baby that if he or she did not come out before 13th, we would get the doctor to take him out on the 13th itself. There is a chinese saying 人算不如天算. True enough, I felt contraction at nearly 4 in the morning that I couldn't fall asleep. I had the urge to clear the bowel too. I knew that the baby was giving me some hints, he or she was going to make the grand arrival today.

Since the date had been chosen, god just wanted me to experience some contraction no matter how. When I was put under the machine to measure the baseline of baby's heartbeats and contraction, the midwife told me about the possibility of emergency c-sec. Then I came to know that any event of procedure that is not performed on the scheduled time is considered emergency, although on the same day.

Each doctor has their own practices. I'm allowed to go home the very next day as I have passed the requirements set by the doctor. But my confinement lady is only coming tomorrow, so I should better stay put for another night.

I wonder how my boys are doing without us...

记住这一刻

A few days ago, hubby told me that his friend who was at the week 38 would go for ceasarean on the 15th September, a date they chose to give birth to their second baby. Somehow, over the weekend, hubby received the message from them that the baby has decided to come out earlier, a few days before the scheduled c-sec.

God always has better planning and arrangement for us. My doctor was away for a week last week. If my baby chose to come out during that time, we would have another doctor who was on standby to deliver the baby. None of my baby came out that early. Xuan was over the due date and Cheng was 2 days before the due date. With this one, I do not know when although the due date would be around 16-17. We have a few public holidays in between and there is probably quite an auspicious mid-autumn day in lunar calendar, but we let our doctor to decide on the date to deliver the baby.

This morning, I started to feel contractions every 7 minutes apart. It brings back a lot of memories when I was having Cheng. I, too, had contractions at wee hours that made me hard to sleep. By 7 something in the morning, my water bag broke. This time, the scheduled c-sec is at 1pm. I think the baby can wait, my gut feeling tells me, despite the contractions is here.

I'm gonna say goodbye to this pregnancy journey real soon. It feels like yesterday where I found myself positive for the test, the terrible prolonged morning sickness, the anxiety for the spotting I had, the ever over-the-moon babymoon we had, the heartburn, and the list goes on. Gonna miss these bittersweet moments a lot.

Rainbow baby

It has been a mixed feelings throughout this journey that I think only those who went thru it will truly understand. It's like a roller coaster, filled with anxiety and excitement, yet so special, to wait for the arrival of rainbow baby when the time is due. I'm feeling disturbed that people have been making guesses about the sex of baby from the shape of my bump, from the janitor to my big boss. Whether I'm having a boy or girl, I will appreciate it much that the comments are kept to themselves. My bump looks like I'm having a boy, even myself feel the same too. But no, having a boy is not a pride at all. Having gone thru two miscarriages in the past, please do not tell me that I should try for a girl. None can tell the anxiety that I have. I could have gender favouritism but the risk of the labour and health of baby is my utmost priority. I think I'm traumatised.

21122015

Today is a special day worth to remember. Our family was supposed to welcome the arrival of our third baby, hear his first cry, change nappies constantly, taking baby to the clinic for check-ups and so on, repeating the rituals of having a newborn at home. Somehow, things did not happen as we wished it could be. Sending the best prayers for both of us, when there is a fate, we shall meet again!!

My obstetricians

The chemical pregnancy I blogged about few days ago was finally confirmed by my obstetrician last weekend. We were very calm to welcome the news but the doctor kept us at suspense by telling us that there could be some signs of life or probably a sac. I had to take the urine test to confirm my pregnancy. The doctor is not my first obstetrician who served us during my first and second pregnancy. The first one is an old lady who was at a hospital I frequent. She shifted to a new place, somewhere quite far away from my house so I did not plan to follow her. I had to look for a new obstetrician to replace my doctor. Then, I had an unexpected spotting which prompted me to a clinic nearby. I unfortunately did not feel safe with him so I came across this obstetrician no. 3. I must say that I have never favored male obstetrician but I was left with no choice. My hubby even joked that we are probably not compatible with him at all, for, never once we have got good news from him when we see him. Nevertheless, he puts my mind at ease by asking me to wait for the signs from Mother Nature. This time around, I do not have to go thru the trauma of clinical interventions. Everything went on well naturally, my period was heavier, so was the cramp. But all is good! Emotionally, I'm very much at peace, except I feel annoyed by comments like I wish you have a girl bla bla.

Well, so, this is life!!

Chemical pregnancy

This is a new term I learnt these days. It is referring to pregnancy where a woman is tested positive ie using the home pregnancy test, but later on miscarries before anything can be seen on the ultrasound. It is basically a miscarriage that happens at a very very early stage of pregnancy. Chemical pregnancies are often unnoticed and mistakenly thought as late period. The term, chemical is used because the only evidence of being tested positive is by chemical reaction thru the test kit. Now I'm going thru this phase where my period was late, I got tested positive using the kit but nothing seen on the ultrasound, then I began to have my period. I was initially very upset for this to happen twice. But unlike the first time where we had seen a small dot on the screen- it grew, we heard his heartbeat but later on it stopped growing, this time it was totally nothing. My gynae thought it was my mistake and kept asking us if the test kit really showed positive results. To tell him the truth, we did try on a few sticks and they came out positive except one. Now it shows the pros and cons of the home pregnancy test kits- it has become easily available at the market and more sensitive where the results can be read even before the next period is due. If I decided to wait longer, I would probably not know I have ever had a chemical pregnancy, at all. So everything falls back into its place. There is finally another closure for this chapter.

Mummy being a drama queen

Few weeks ago, I told my friends that I almost lost faith to be put in such a situation whether I should carry on with my pregnancy or immediately go for the D&C. I had never wished for a miracle but the procedure was the last choice that I wished I could have. And I was in a dilemma to make a choice. Now that everything has passed, I thought I have let it go. I thought I was doing good until I dreamt about my angel in heaven.

I'm always wondering why god chose us and why did the angel come to my family? Because of love, I know, he wanted to love and to be loved and the god thought my family were able to provide enough for him. Somewhere in between, it did not happen. Why? Probably because the creator felt hubby and I were not ready to have him. Or maybe our karma of cause and effect, either good or bad, was not matured enough to bring him here to this family. The angel did not come eventually. It is sad, isn't it? But I'm open for that. I have restored my faith for that.

However, at the back of my mind, I'm still sad when Xuan and Cheng are playing happily and cuddling me. Somewhere above us, the angel is watching. He is alone and probably lonely. He was once given a chance to join and be merry with us.

Mini confinement

Stubborn with so called modern thinking people like me are always wondering why the Asians have to undergo post natal confinement and the logic behind it while it makes me so uneasy with its strict rules. I have had two confinements in the past, not so strict as I got to bath everyday and some approved vegetables and fruits were allowed. But fan is still a no no. And to have a glass of wine after every bath did not make me better. But, still, out of respect and fear that it might affect me when I turn old, I tried to comply and listen, although I became sulky. I also rant about it, even now. This time around, I must say I can't be happier. First, the confinement is shorter. Secondly, I do not really bother about mobility restriction- I have been climbing the staircase everyday. Thirdly, I'm wearing short pants. I feel much better. Lastly, hubby is my best helper and I do not eat as much as those in the past. I only have 3 proper meals plus some snacks everyday. My mil loves me so much that she must ensure my tummy never once gets empty. I had 5 meals a day plus some snacks with her presence, which after the confinements, I had the thought to go for detox. I'm enjoying my holiday aka medical leave. Although boring, I'm upset that it's going to end.

My subconscious mind

Yesterday, I was watching a tv show about fishing village in Perak. Then, last night, I have a bad dream. In the dream, I saw three boys but I could only remember Xuan and the other boy, a younger baby which was not Cheng. Cheng was not in the picture. So I was in a floating house, playing with Xuan. He wanted to ride his bicycle outside the house and fell into the seawater. The younger boy followed suit. I got panicked and jumped into the water, I scooped Xuan out and went to the boy. He looked like my baby which we have lost, a bigger version. I think I miss him. Be good my boy, hope to see you again soon!!!

Finally a closure

Yesterday, we were at gynae's place to update on my progress of miscarriage. He was shocked upon my slight bleeding for a few days and thought the tissues might come out these days. But, based on his experience where I was already at my week 12, he was also confident that it wouldn't happen completely, although naturally. Trying to help me to avoid going to the ER during the weekend where cost is a concern and it could be unnecessary, he proposed me to be admitted yesterday. We were caught unprepared. I have always thought to have the procedure done tomorrow. To my mind, I was hoping for it to happen naturally and completely. Failing which, I would still have to opt for the D&C. I trust my dr's judgement and experience, so hubby and I agreed to be admitted at 12 noon yesterday. I texted my bro and sis if they could help me to babysit. Both agreed and my sis came to pick the kiddos at the hospital at 12. At time like this, I'm forever grateful that I have a very strong family support to help me. I could be selfish to leave my kids with them, but I know my kids are in good hands and overjoyed to follow their uncles and aunties. My hubby will not worry about the kids too.

Everything happened at the hospital was a history now. I knocked out after a few minutes and did not realize anything that went on. We saw the tissues which was put in a container. He, or maybe the blood clot is quite big already. The sad moment has passed since I have spotting one month ago. I was probably ready for this to come. But I must be grateful that he chose to leave when he wasn't ready to survive, despite I first heard his heartbeat at week 6. There was a soul inside that we were almost fated to be one family, but he couldn't make it through. We wish him to come back when he is ready and strong. I have been using HE because my mother instinct told me it's a boy. I will forever not know his gender. I hope with this closure, everyone will find peace in it. We are hoping to see his comeback one day if we are blessed enough to have one.

Traditional Chinese Medicine

Last night, we were at a Chinese medical shop nearby to buy some nourishment soup. I grew up in a family where traditional herbs is very very rare, I was simply amazed by the way I was diagnosed. Firstly, the lady asked me what I was looking for and proceeded me to the man standing next to her. I guess that is her hubby. He checked my pulses, both left and right in about one minute and concluded that I'm all good with some minor backache. I was really impressed, I have not told anyone about my backache at all. It comes and goes so I'm not bothered. I only feel that when I'm nursing Cheng in the lying down position. How did he know that my back "qi" is weak? This is just so amazing. The fact that I'm going thru a miscarriage now, I thought I should have some mini confinement while I'm on mc next week. The practitioner's answer surprised me and I was happy for it. I do not need a confinement or mini confinement at all. He asked me to complete a two-day course of 生化汤 to expel the remaining "dirty blood" and I'm all good to go. Now, I have been thinking of going back to my office because I'm all good and fit to go. 5 days-mc is too long and I should have used it to go on a trip.