真的就这样戎了吗？

话说我病了一天，芯亦怜惜我病倒又呕吐，所以没有跟我要奶喝，就这样睡着了。那是第一天。前天晚上我心想都快3岁了，应该好好把握机会把她给戎了，就怂恿老公配合一下。于是又扮自己病了，病得不轻，芯亦迷迷糊糊的睡着了。昨天一早起来望着她，我万般不舍。她总是望着我都会指着胸部说, nen nen。走过内衣店，芯亦也兴奋地喊，nen nen，可是却让我们很尴尬。这3天，一切来得太快。都说了哺乳宝宝最好带。我真的还来不及好好调整心情，芯亦就这样跟nen nen 说bye bye。从此以后，我还真的要想想新办法来安抚她。

breastfed XY

XY is growing up so fast that she is turning 3 in next few months. She talks a lot and eats so much! There have been a lot of scientific proof why women should breastfeed for only two years. I think I can attest to it because I start to have aversion now. I lose my patience when nursing her. I tried to recall how I weaned off my first two? It was so much easier: I got pregnant, my hormone changed and the taste changed too, so the boys slowly weaned themselves off. For XY, she will still wake up in the middle of the night to ask for milk. I’m lucky if she doesn’t, that means she is really tired. But she will definitely want comfort suckling during bedtime. I always tell her that mummy is in pain. Can you stop? We hold hands instead? Depending on her mood, she will either agree or talk back, I don’t want to hold hands. So she won’t let go and continue latching. I have no idea when she will finally stop but I guess when the day comes, I will be the saddest person on Earth.

end of oct

I went thru a whirlwind of emotions of late that I think I'm under huge stress. But in my defence, the two big ulcers I have in my mouth is not due to the stress per say, it’s because I have my son who bumped his head onto my lips. It was bleeding and days later, two wound appear and hence, the ulcers. I hate ulcers so much because they result in swollen lips and worse, any jaw movement leaves me in pain. Arghhh. I guess nobody will understand the pain I undergo. Ulcers are too frequent to me that my body lacks of some minerals. While I try to boost up immunity by taking multivitamin, I think the main reason is because I'm still breastfeeding. I have a 2yo daughter who still looks for me at night, and totally cant sleep thru the night. But I still hope for miracle one day that I can sleep thru the night without hearing her get up and look for me. My hubby said I should be proud because our children love me so much that they will sniff me before their bed time.

On another note, I went for an interview this morning. It wasn't the best of me but I have no choice. I guess I will keep praying.

thank you cards

Xuan was asked to make some appreciation cards to parents and teachers to thank us for what we have done. So his card dedicated to daddy reads, thank you daddy for cooking for me. I love you.

Then, he turned to me and asked, “mummy, what are you good at?” “I’m good at writing. Probably reading, or playing sudoku.” “No mummy, I mean something that you are good at for me... Like daddy cooks for me.” “Oh, ok, there is a lot....... right? I gave birth to you. I breastfed you... errr..... I was good at breastfeeding you.” “It’s ok, mummy. I thank you for sending and picking me up to and from school some days.”

So I showed my family the card Xuan made. Everyone was laughing when they saw him thanking his daddy for cooking for him. They questioned, why not mummy? The teachers at the school might probably ask the same question too. Did his card put me to shame because it appeared that daddy is doing some mum’s jobs? Unfortunately or fortunately, I take it positively. I wasn’t offended at all that my son couldn’t find or notice my sacrifices for him. Maybe he will when he is big, but the fact is, I’m not good at house chores (the father is an ocd). So oh well, I’m spared.

adding on a new baby

My parents felt that the way I care for my children is too carefree, too easygoing so I should have another baby when I’m still young. While it sounds funny, I actually got the same comments from some friends and relatives too. I would think that’s because I have a helpful and supportive hubby. He does all the chores so my job is to only nurse XY. My siblings used to tease me that what I have been doing is to breastfeed the kids, which is super easy. In my defence, breastfeeding is very annoying too. It’s so much different that I was fussy when I have my firstborn, now that I’m a mother of 3, the kiddos can do everything they want as long as it’s not life-threatening. Ya, XY has chicken and prawns before she is two, and ice cream too! And I wouldn’t go for pricey diapers because I just came to sense that there are cheaper ones in the market with the same quality. Then some mummies were amazed that my kids always appear barefoot in most of our pictures. I did not purposely ask them to walk and play barefooted but it just so happened that I either did not bring XY’s shoes or my boys love to take off theirs. Apparently it’s good for their growth to feel the Mother Earth, to which I did not know much. Then I have some seniors who told me that nobody ever regrets of having more kids, we only see those who regret for not having enough, which is so true. Then, both my sons told me that they wanted another baby sister, not a brother. Hahaha... I guess they do not know that baby sister can be very disastrous too.

Phewwww...

I finally have time to really sit down and update my blog. It has been so long and we have been having some really hectic weekends. And I'm hoping to really have time to sit down and enjoy a tea break with hubby. There were quite many things that I thought I wanted to share but unfortunately when I really wanted to pen it down, my mind just went blank. Since it's August, I should better start my post with the world breastfeeding week which starts every first week of August. To this date, at this moment, I'm still advocating breastfeeding and hoping to tell the world to normalize breastfeeding. Baby XY doesn't like bottle, my nanny comments that offering her bottle is a tough job but thank goodness she loves food, so nanny is not worried. Perhaps it's a blessing in disguise for me. Since she is a small drinker, I do not have the stress to pump many times at the office to meet her demand. Since I went back to work after maternity leave. the most she took while I was away was 9oz. A few months ago, probably at 10mo, nanny started to give her porridge daily. Since then, her milk intake has reduced. Since last week, it has got really worse that she will only drink 2-3oz a day. My yield of 9oz daily is more than enough to meet her demand for a week, and the balance of 36oz will go into waste. This time, I have been throwing a lot of frozen milk because we do not have a freezer to keep it and the space in our fridge is really limited. As a results of too little milk intake at the nanny's place, baby XY has been taking a revenge on me whenever I pick her up. She will ask for milk there and then, either to deal with her hunger or to soothe her, it doesn't really matter. At that time, she will drink a lot and is only ready to let go when she has had enough. This cheeky baby is 11mo!!

36 hours

We came back from a short trip in Singapore last night and everyone was having so much fun! Congratulations to my sis and bil on the new bundle of joy! The baby gal's birth weight is 3.75kg and height is 55cm, such a huge baby she is! And my sis gave birth to her naturally, although the hubby said she almost gave up.

As usual, my sons enjoyed the time in the pool and felt sad to come home. I, too, had a splendid time swimming and relaxing in the pool and jacuzzi. My sis had been helping me look after the kids while I swam. Baby XY, however, was so fussy that she refused to accept everyone except hubby and me. By the time she started to accept them, it was time to leave. But she accepted my sis' breasts and enjoyed her milk, no whining at all!! How funny!!  

What nanny says

Say CONGRATULATIONS to baby XY for surviving her first day at the nanny's. But it was not an easy one for the nanny. And probably a tiring day for XY too because she slept thru last night. Like we have told the nanny many times that she will take a long time to finish her milk. Yes, she does and still is.

The other things that nanny commented are her being cheeky acting like she is a big baby. She dictates them the position she wants to be held, whether it is newborn cradle or carry in standing position, they have to be on the move. She doesn't sleep long in the swing too. So the nanny leaves her in the playpen or bouncer. But those don't really make her happy. She wants a company. So she has been lying beside the nanny's daughter. Thank goodness the nanny can be easily approached via social chats. She has been video-calling me and sending videos and pics of my girl to update her doings.

A 13-weeker she is whom I have always thought a small drinker as her feed is always 2-2.5oz per session. But with the nanny where mummy's boobs are not available, I provided her 10-12 oz of milk yesterday. By 3 something nearly 4, the nanny texted me that only 1oz left.

I totally understand that bottle feeding and direct latching are two different things. The nanny may need more to soothe her. So today, I'm sending 15oz.

It stresses me out -___-

No privacy

It has been a while since I bathed with the kids. I have been too lazy that they are allowed to have "freestyle” during bath time. Hubby and I will leave them in the bathroom to play until they get enough of it. This morning, Cheng bathed with me. Halfway into the bath, he asked for nen nen. My sons are too funny that I must say I have no privacy at all. They will come into the bathroom and go even I'm sitting on the throne doing business. Cheng would come and suckle before he went out to play again. Now they are big enough to understand this and the scene of him suckling milk with me sitting on the throne is no longer there!

Discard the expired milk

My hubby had been bugging me to turn off the freezer in the store room. I couldn't make up my mind because I was just so reluctant to throw the expired breast milk away. I was buying time to put them to some better use such as milk bath for my big babies or make some soaps. There were 72 bags, dated since 2012, consisting of 4-10oz each. They signified my hard work. Two weeks ago, someone who has an itchy hand (also we might not find out who he was) switched the freezer off. We did not know until the room smelled sourish. So I fixed my mind and cleared the freezer, finally. I think hubby was the happiest person on earth, he has been saying that the freezer consumed a lot of electricity. But he was very smart for not doing the job himself, he wanted me to throw them off myself, so that I couldn't put the blame on him in the future!! The milk told me nothing but how hard it was to express milk outside the office. It's not that I'm super obsessed with breastfeeding. But, those days when I was away and had to find a proper place to pump was just not easy- at the Parliament House, the Surau was too packed, I sat at a corner next to janitor's room; At some meetings/visits out of office, I humbly asked for a small place to pump; and I experienced pumping at the toilet at a renowned hotel in KL. Throughout this exercise, I came out with a conclusion that the autumz storage bag is far better than jingle jungle. All the bags that leaked were of jingle jungle, and I couldn't figure out why. 

Night weaning Cheng

Cheng is turning 25mo next month, he is still a high-need breastfed toddler, although I have stopped pumping for a year. I have some issues with him where he has been very clingy when he sees me, all he says when he sees me is nen nen and he doesn't sleep thru the night yet. The experiences with Xuan told me that 3yo is the perfect age to wean off totally- we bid good bye gracefully as he suddenly just thought he had had enough, without having me to remind him no. Similarly, I do not have the plan to wean Cheng yet. But I'm hoping for those days where he sleeps thru the night without making noise. Hubby has been offering his help, including co-sleeping with Cheng. Without breasts, Cheng has no choice but continues sleeping. But it could be troublesome at the beginning because Cheng wakes up constantly to ask for milk and hubby pats him back to sleep. Some days, hubby has to walk and carry him around. But he is a good sleeper- falling asleep quite fast, so he has no issue. This has been going on for a few days, I hope I can see lights at the end of the tunnel.

Being feverish

My body began to feel cold last night. After picking the kids from my bro, I nursed Cheng all the way home. Cheng said, "hot, hot, why?" He was asking why my milk was warm. Then, Xuan got curious and wanted to try some too. I let him suckle for a while, just so that they knew I was feverish. That night, I was sleeping all alone with hubby looking after the duo in the other room. They were behaving perfectly good with Cheng waking up once. It's hard to train him to sleep thru the night. Anyway, hadn't hubby looked after them last night, I would have been on mc today. A big thanks to him! On another note, I think I have to change the fengshui of this house. I feel myself falling sick too frequently after we moved in.

Nursing aversion

Cheng is turning 22mo soon. How time flies that he is talking so much now, the "where" and "how" 走天下. He has been potty trained at home, very frequently and independently runs to the potty. He suckles quite a lot though, he always comes to me after his fight with the brother or he trips and falls down. He is always here for comfort sucking. Me on the other hand begin to have nursing aversion. I have lost patience in feeding him especially at night. These days, I must praise hubby for taking up the job to pat Cheng back to sleep without offering him my breasts. Hubby is good at it, Cheng has been sleeping thru the night, it is a good start.

Big babies

I have been having quite a peaceful weekend this week- only went out once yesterday, it's so not me. My kids are growing up very fast. Hubby took them out without me, and they were excited to go with him too. Xuan begged me to have his own pocket money, which he dug from angpao. He wanted to buy cranky. So we fought, he cried and left with a broken heart. Hubby and I have problem to make Xuan nap every weekend. He is playful and loves the weekend with us. Most of the times, we fight to make him nap. He loves helping the father bake too. It has become a must-do activity for them, like father and sons' bonding time. On the other hand, didi is still a very young baby, he goes out with them happily. Few hours later, he will cry looking for me. Until he sees me, then he is all smiles again. He comes back to me, asks for a cuddle and nen-nen. Like Xuan, he is another big baby.

A mother's dilemma

A recent study in UK shows that extended breastfeeding benefits babies a lot, even when the babies reach adulthood. So I shared the study with hubby who is always a no.1 supporter of breastfeeding. The reason I say him ultra-supportive is, xuan will tell hubby how much he wants nen-nen and regardless of how busy hubby and I are, hubby's answer will always be, Go!! Go!! Have your nen-nen!! I'm clueless of his reply because he seems so confident that I will allow Xuan to have my milk. Firstly, how can he be so affirmed while the breasts do not belong to him at all. Secondly, it's the kids who come to me, latching on me while moving their butts around. They just cannot sit still. Thirdly, while they are enjoying their milk and at the same time shoving their butts, I become a mother who loses patience and can't wait for the nursing sessions to end. Then in my heart, I begin to question hubby's rationale for allowing Xuan to be breastfed for so long. Lastly, when I stare at hubby for his standard reply to Xuan. He will throw this at me, I wish I could help you but I do not have nen-nen.

But then again, it comes back to me as a mother of these two kiddos. I have a choice to reject them. But I do not. So I do not have an answer for when is the best time to wean Xuan.

The dilemma of working parents

Hubby and I start to feel the childcare dilemma of working parents. No wonder government has to step in and subsidize to ensure more childcare centres are set up at workplaces. Hence, saves the hassle for working parents. In the near future, we will send xuan and cheng to daycare centre or babysitter. Hubby and I are looking at the options we have. It is not easy. We are not so much worried about xuan since he will be going to school soon. But we are completely worried about cheng, though he is already 9mo. I bet many will tell me not to worry as kids are smart and know their ways to survive. But being the first time parents sending kids to the caregiver, I can't help but to feel anxious. Like mil always says, cheng is very unique in his own way. There is even a tagline for feeding him. 两格奶分三次喝, 第一次喂慢慢喝, 第二次喂他就哭, 再喂就吐给你看。His caregiver must be very patient with him. If I myself feel like beating him sometimes, I do not see the reasons for other people not to do so. Anyway, in another two weeks, cheng will turn 10mo.

妈妈的味道

When my bro was a kid, he used to like to smell my mother. He was breastfed for more than 2 yo. My mum had been busy with house chores and sweating alot until her blouse got wet. For my bro, that was the best smell of her. We always laugh at him for being mummy's boy even until now. Today, my mil told me that she found the culprit for opening the expressed milk in the fridge. Few days ago, the milk spilt and mil thought she was absent-minded, forgot to close the bottle. Today, she caught xuan opening it and confronted him. Xuan asked her to sniff the milk and said, don't u think this milk has mummy's smell? I feel so touched. He misses me a lot when I'm away at work.

Shaking a soda bottle...

Yesterday, hubby asked a serious question on whether or not I am ready and determined to wean Xuan off breastfeeding. He feels my sadness but still assures me that he will support and respect my decision. So last nite, Xuan asked for milk again to which I have no heart to say no, I succumbed to his request. Xuan suckled for a few seconds, looked into my eyes, smiled and shied away. He was just so cute. This morning, hubby told me Xuan found a bottle of soda drinks in the kitchen and shook the bottle so hard to form bubbles. Then he opened it and the bottle exploded. Xuan has got sthg for my mil to do. She has to wipe the floor and dragged him to shower. Lucky thing is that there is no water cut today. My boy is getting naughtier.

Weaning Xuan from breastfeeding

Xuan has finally weaned off breastfeeding for more than a week. It just came naturally that he was busy playing with my brother and sisters and totally forgot about it. So he stopped asking. When he saw didi nursing, he remembered but I took the opportunity to ask if he was shy and he should take formula instead. He agreed and he has been on formula since. However it makes me feel sad. Every now and then, he will still ask for it when he sees me feeding cheng. I will repeat the same conversation to remind him of being shy and the choice of formula. He has been agreeable with my suggestion. But I feel sorry and am not ready to say goodbye to breastfeeding him. At times I feel like giving in to him, I miss our special bonding time together.

Mummy got cheated...

This morning, few minutes before my alarm rang at 6:30am, Xuan woke up and asked for milk. He has always been wanting to latch. I patted him, he moved and climbed to me. He was lying on my chest with his fingers on my belly button. He mumbled, "mummy, nen-nen... mummy nen-nen..." I tried my best not to allow him to lift my pajamas. He moved his hands and touched my bcg scar. He hasn't fallen asleep yet, I froze, trying not to wake him up. Few minutes later, he was sleeping so I moved him aside. I turned to Cheng who was on my right. I nursed him. I thought he was latching on me very well, then I heard "clack, clack, clack..." The next thing I took a look at him, he was sucking his finger or maybe thumb, with my nipple in his mouth. "Good boy, my dear! You are not hungry at all and you are just suckling for fun." So, that was me! Mummy got tricked by my sons. Xuan did this to me when he was at this age too, pretending to nurse but sucking his thumb. I always have very little or nearly none space to turn in my bed. My kids smell me to sleep. I turned and looked at my hubby who was also in the same bed. He has a huge space to toss and turn, maybe he could do a somersault too. I so so so envy him... Some days when I'm nursing both of them, he will say, "I wish I could help you, but sorry, I couldn't." There and then, I feel like strangling him.